Is It That Time of Year Again?
by jennifer snape
Summary: The Hogwarts school play, in RHYME! ....'My name is Severus Snape, So don't you dare be late, To your potions exam , Or I'll eat all your jam , And vomit all over your plate'....


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**Is It That Time of Year Again?**

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Yes, it's that time of year again! Our friends are rehearsing for the Hogwarts school

play, all in rhyme! Each character has been asked to make up a little verse about him

or herself.

Dumbledore is directing and sits facing the stage, with everyone's scripts in his

wizened hands.

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Cue Grawp with the lights:

---------

The spotlight focuses on Ron. He turns to Hermione, who has always poked fun at his

middle name. He speaks threateningly:

"My middle name is Bilius

But if you call me that

I'll hex your toes

Up through your nose

And petrify your cat!"

---------

Hermione grabs Crookshanks protectively.

---------

A poltergeist floats above them:

"My name is Peeves, I have no sleeves,

Because the Bloody Baron

Has used them, bless,

To make a dress

And says he's now called Sharon"

---------

The camera pans to the background.

Menacingly:

"My name is Severus Snape,

And don't you _dare_ be late

To your potions exam

Or I'll eat your jam

And then vomit all over your plate"

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Dumbledore calls out – "Just what we rehearsed will be fine, Severus."

---------

Severus rolls his eyes and clears his throat.

"My name is Severus Snape

And when I ate a grape

I turned bright green

And couldn't clean

My teeth for forty days."

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Gilderoy walks on in a huff (he wanted to be first):

"I am the famous Lockhart,

When I'm not babysitting -

I like to rent

A little tent

And catch up on my knitting"

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A dark haired boy shuffles forward.

"Hello my name is Neville,

My uncle was a frog -"

---

_He stops and sniffles. Hermione whispers encouragingly from the side of the stage: _

"_Go on, Neville!" _

_---_

_He continues, with a little more confidence:_

"Hello my name is Neville,

My uncle was a frog

Until I went

And accident-

-ly flushed him down the bog."

He promptly bursts into tears and runs off stage. Hermione sighs and hurries after

him, conjuring up a box of tissues.

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Harry enters, balancing a ball on his nose:

"My name is Harry Potter

I wish I was an otter

I'd live, I think,

In Hagrid's sink

Because the lake's much hotter"

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Hagrid splutters at the side of the stage: "If you're in my sink, where am I going to do

my dishes…?"

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_A dark-haired man angrily strides into the spotlight:_

"My name is Sirius Black

I wear a potato sack

I'm living with

A hippogriff

And I'm tired of being stabbed in the back"

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Pushes Sirius out of the way, winks at the camera:

"My name is Lucius Malfoy,

At weekends call me Claire

I often like

To wear some tights

With woollen underwear"

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_He shimmies away, swinging his hips._

_--------_

_Loudly enough for the retreating man to hear:_

"My name is Draco Malfoy

And in my father's will

I'd better get

The private jet

Or else I'm going to _KILL!_"

-------

_Draco is pushed to the ground as Peter Pettigrew rushes on. He is screaming his verse at the top of his lungs whilst being chased by Crookshanks:_

"My name is Peter Pettigrew

And when I was a rat

I had no fears

For many years

Until I met that cat!"

_The ginger ball of fluff bites at his ankles and chases him off stage…._

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_A hush descends on the stage as a swirling figure appears:_

"Hello my name is Voldemort

I've had a wife for ages

My lovely witch

And I got hitched

And honeymooned in Vegas"

---

Voice calls on from the side: 'No, that's tomorrow's performance, do the other one

we rehearsed!'

---

Rolls his eyes:

"I'm the Dark Lord

You probably saw

My stunning impression

Of Harrison Ford"

--

'_Indiana Jones' music is played while The Dark Lord exits the stage, doing forward rolls._

_---------_

_A purple-turbaned man steps forward._

"My name's Professor Quirrel

I met a little … animal that lives in the undergrowth and eats nuts -"

--

_He breaks off, thinking deeply, trying to remember the word._

_--_

_Dumbledore sighs impatiently: "Oh for goodness sake -"_

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A tall man struts onto the stage and elbows Quirrel out of the way. He is wearing a

white body-suit and blue suede shoes.

"My name is Kingsley Shacklebolt

I'm also known as _Elvis_ (_winks at the ladies_)

I'm told I sing

Just like _The King_

And have a lethal pelvis"

---

_He makes very questionable movements towards an excited Molly Weasley. Arthur _

_looks on angrily, rolling up his sleeves._

_---_

_Dumbledore decides to intervene: "Ahem! That will do…."_

_---_

_Kingsley deftly picks up Molly in a 'Me Tarzan, you Jane' style and strides off-_

_stage, followed by one very irate red-haired man. Barks and excited squeals are soon _

_heard backstage…followed by loud punching sounds._

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Luna Lovegood steps out of the shadows and starts to recite in a dreamy voice.

"Hello my name is Luna,

The Quibbler is my source

Of random facts

About Snorkacks

(The crumpled kind, of course)"

A newspaper article detailing the recent sighting of a Crumple-Horned Snorkack

floats to the ground as she leaves.

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Minerva moves forward, hands on hips, peering over her spectacles:

"My name is Prof. McGonagall

And if you cut my class

I'll hex a shed

Onto your head

And kick your sorry ass"

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"Oh my…." Dumbledore makes a mental note to ask Minerva to maybe change the

wording a little.

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Peeves floats on, wearing a long fake beard and makeshift purple robes:

"My name is Albus Dumbledore

And when I was in France -"

---

"_CUT!" Albus shuffles his papers very loudly, blushing furiously. A few eyebrows _

_raise._

_The man in question clears his throat loudly and signals to Tonks to come on._

"My name is Nymphadora

But please just stick to Tonks

I've often stayed

In Adelaide

But grew up in the Bronx"

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Kneeling before her:

"My name is Remus Lupin

And if you'd like me to,

I'll serenade

You by the lake

As long as there's no moon"

---

Tonks nods energetically and the two run off.

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Hagrid comes on, with a crudely made, giant purple image of a bus. On closer

inspection, he has written the words 'My sink is NOT available for occupancy' on the

side.

"My name is Rubeus

I'm steering the Knight bus

I cannot drive

To save my life

But please don't tell Argus"

-------

(Argus auditioned for the bus-driving role)

_--------_

_Hermione's smartly dressed parents walk to the front, looking rather timid:_

"Hello we are the Grangers

And though it might sound strange

We often like

To have a fight

With chocolate body paint"

---

_Hermione's eyes widen in horror and she drags them both off stage_

_--------_

_A woman replaces them:_

"My name is Rita Skeeter

I'm really a Death-Eater

My idol, too

Is Betty Boop

And I would love to meet her"

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Hermione walks on, holding a dessert. It appears to be an apple crumble. She has

tears in her eyes.

"It pains me so to say that,

Because a spell was bumbled,

Viktor Krum

And his nice bum

Turned into Viktor crumble"

---

Rita Skeeter whips out her quill to make a note of this. A forlorn girl drifts forwards

to comfort Hermione, and starts to speak:

"The toilet is my current home

They call me Moaning Myrtle

I have to swim

And live within

The water like a turtle"

---------

Cho and Cedric come on from the side, holding hands.

"I am Cedric Diggory

I started dating Chang

Because I'm told

She has some gold

And bakes a mean meringue"

----

Cho follows:

"My name is Cho and I was sure

My boyfriend was the one

But since Cedric

Kidnapped Hedwig

We've been on the run"

---

_The two make a speedy exit. Harry abandons his ball and races after them._

_--------_

_Enter the twins:_

"Our names are George and Fred

Our hair is very red

We played a prank

On Gringotts bank

And now -"

----

_The twins are interrupted by a very irate Molly Weasley. "How COULD you? What _

_were you THINKING? You'll be on the run from the law -" She brandishes her _

_handbag at them. They run off in a wild panic, straight through Hagrid's Knight Bus._

_Hagrid promptly snatches Hermione's apple crumble and flings it at the twins' _

_retreating figures. The distraught witch bursts into tears. _

_---_

_Kingsley and Arthur stagger onto the stage, throwing punches at one another, whilst _

_Lupin tries to tear them apart. Tonks, in a huff because she has lost Lupin's attention, _

_turns instead to Sirius and compliments him on his rather flattering potato sack. He _

_blushes._

_---_

_Harry chases Cho and Cedric, demanding to be told where Hedwig is._

_---_

_Voldemort is somersaulting about the stage in a very fetching 'Indiana Jones' _

_costume that the Bloody Baron has kindly put together with the leftover material from _

_Peeves' sleeves. _

_---_

_Chaos ensues._

---

Dumbledore, rolling his eyes, realises that this could take a while. He settles back in

his chair and opens his copy of 'Heat' magazine. He has a feeling that this year, the

annual Hogwarts play might be a little late.

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Hope you enjoyed it!

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If you're kind enough to leave me a wee review, I'll divulge exactly what

Dumbledore did in France!!

Thanks for reading! I'd love to know if any of my verses in particular made you

giggle, or if there's anyone else you'd like to see in the play!


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